Secrets of Sex and Marriage
Thank you for investing in your marriage by taking this short assessment. After completing the assessment we will show you how your answers compare to others along with some tips and couple conversation starters. Please note that individual responses are for your use and for statistical purposes only. Data will be treated with the utmost confidentiality. No personally identifiable information will be disclosed.
This assessment is designed to be educational and a way to foster communication in your marriage. It should not be seen as prescriptive, expert advice, or a substitute for therapy. Some people may find the questions unsettling. If you do, you are free to exit out of the survey at any time.
In general, how satisfied are you with your marriage today?
How do you compare to the national survey?
You report being ok with your marriage. Only about 8% of individuals rate their marriage in this category. Although popular opinion may believe otherwise, most people generally enjoy being married —and we have seen many times that dissatisfaction today can change to true enjoyment later. We recommend you explore what you can personally do to enrich and grow your marriage. Seek guidance if you are willing. One place to start is the resources listed on secretsofsexandmarriage.com.
Couple Conversation
How did your spouse rate their marital satisfaction?
In our survey, 40% of couples reported the same score. For those who gave a different score, 35% of the time, the husband reported a higher score, and 25% of the time the wife did. Also, for those who gave different scores, 64% of the time they were only one number apart and 87% of the time they were within two numbers of the other. If you were more than two numbers from each other, it is important for the spouse with the higher number to understand the pain of the spouse with the lower number.
In general, how satisfied are you with your sex life today?
Right now, are you generally happy with the frequency of sexual activity in your marriage?
Right now, regardless of the frequency of sexual activity, when you do have sex with your spouse are you generally happy with it?
How do you compare to the national survey?
You report being somewhat happy with your sexual encounters. About 16.5% of men and 19.6% of women rate their marriage in this category. We recommend you explore what you can personally do to improve the sexual satisfaction in your marriage. Invite your spouse to read and discuss Secrets of Sex & Marriage together and pick one or two "aha moments" you can apply to your marriage
Couple Conversation
How did your spouse rate their happiness with your sexual encounters?
In our survey, when asked about happiness with sexual encounters, 34% of couples reported the same score. For those who gave a different score, 37% of the time, the husband reported a higher score, while 29% of the time the wife did. Also, for those who gave different scores, 46% of the time they were within two numbers of the other. If you were more than two numbers from each other, it is important for the spouse with the higher number to understand the pain of the spouse with the lower number.
Please tell us how desire and arousal work for you. (select a frequency for each of these statements)
Do you find some sexual matters too difficult to discuss with your spouse?
Does your spouse have difficulty in talking to you about what he/she likes during sex?
Is talking about sex with your spouse fun for the both of you?
Do you find that it is easy for you to tell your spouse what you do or do not like to do during sex?
Compared to other married couples, you fit into the category of those whose communication is "reasonably good" around sex. Compare your score to your spouse's. If both of you are "Good" (or better) communicators, keep moving forward! If your spouse's score is lower, however, this is a great opportunity to discuss and explore the reasons why.
Couple Conversation
Schedule some time to discuss this report. Make a plan to read through Secrets of Sex and Marriage together to improve and reap the benefits of better sexual communication. Reading the book out loud to one another can be a great start for communication.
Many couples find that awkwardness talking about sex is just one part of a need for better communication overall. If that is the case in your marriage, there are proven methods that will help. We particularly recommend the "Love Takes Learning" program: https://www.lovetakeslearning.com.
How did your spouse rate your marital communication, overall?
Most couples in the survey provided fairly similar answers with 64% of couples being within three numbers of each other (considered fairly close on this scale). If your scores were more than three numbers apart, it is important to discuss and explore the reasons why. Stay curious as your spouse shares their thoughts and use this as an opportunity to practice good communication!
In general, how often do you engage in sexual activity (of any kind) with your spouse? (Choose one.)
You reported that you and your spouse connect one or two times a week. The Secrets of Sex & Marriage research found that, 29% of couples report this frequency. If both you and your spouse are in agreement about this amount of connection, this is likely a healthy frequency for you at this point in life. Therapists generally agree that connecting at least once a week appears to be protective for marriage. However, if one spouse wants a higher frequency of sexual connection, it may be important to talk through what it might take to target a frequency in between your individual desires and pursue solutions to move that direction.
Couple Conversation
What did your spouse report? Are you surprised?
In the Secrets of Sex & Marriage research, most couples reported very similar frequency. If you and your spouse did not, be aware that that could be related in some way to a level of distress in marriage. In the research, the greater the concerns and distress couples had in their marriage, the further apart their answers were about how frequently they had sex. If you see that pattern, consider seeking help and resources for your marriage, not just your intimate life.
Practically speaking, if it were totally up to you, how often would you like to engage in sexual activity (of any kind) with your spouse? (Choose one.)
Practically speaking, if it were totally up to your spouse, how often would they like to engage in sexual activity (of any kind) with you? (Choose one.)
How do you compare to the national survey?
You stated you would like to have sex Once a week and that you have sex Once a week. That means you are having sex right about as much you would like.
In the Secrets of Sex & Marriage research, it was common to see a difference between the frequency one or both spouses hoped for (desired frequency) and what they reported was actually happening (actual frequency). The reported distress tended to get worse as the gap between "desired" and "actual" grew. In other words: if your spouse has a greater difference between their desired and actual frequency than you do, they are likely experiencing more distress. Resolving these issues can be complex, but since it was common for neither spouse to be getting as much sex as they ideally wanted, we encourage the two of you to problem-solve. What might it take to meet at least the level of the lower desire spouse?
Couple Conversation
Here are some questions to consider.
- How did your spouse answer how frequently they wanted sex?
- What is the difference between what they said, and what you said?
- What is the difference between what they said and what you thought they would say?
- Are you surprised by that difference?
Discuss the differences. As you look at the frequency graph, how far apart are you, really? (e.g., if one of you said one time per week and the other said three times per week, you are two spots apart.) What would need to happen to meet at least the level of the lower desire spouse? Stay curious and learn about your spouse.
Thinking about you and your spouse, which one of you generally has the highest level of sexual desire?
This pie chart shows the national distribution for which spouse has the higher desire in the marriage.
- Husband (blue) @ 54%
- Wife (red) @ 24%
- We are the same (green) @ 22%
How do you compare to the national survey?
Couple Conversation
Here are some questions to consider:
- What did your spouse say? Did you pick the same person as having the higher desire?
- Discuss why each of you chose what you did.
Different people may experience sexual desire/being 'in the mood' at different stages of the process. Which statement is more true of you? (Choose One Answer)
Types of Desire
One factor that is very important for couples to understand is that there are different types of desire.
Initiating Desire. Someone with the initiating desire type of physiology and makeup generally feels the desire to pursue sex and will often feel that desire before they experience any type of arousal.
Receptive Desire. Someone with the receptive desire type of physiology and makeup doesn't necessarily feel the desire to pursue sex and instead makes a decision to get engaged with their spouse - and tends to get aroused as they go.
Resistant Desire. Someone who is in the resistant desire category has an extreme reluctance, fear or pushing away of sex. This tends to pair with other issues (for example, sexual or relational trauma, sexual pain, etc.) that can be addressed. Where those issues can be addressed, and as more active sexual patterns are established, the person may learn whether their primary type of desire is actually initiating or receptive.
This pie chart shows the national distribution for types of desire among men and women - and where you report that you fall.
How do you compare to the national survey?
Couple Conversation
Here are some questions to consider:
- How did your spouse answer the "in the mood" question?
- Look at the chart below. Where do you and your spouse?
- Discuss as a couple why you chose the answers you did. Remember that each type is valid. What does it mean for you as a couple to be where you are on the chart? What do you think the implications are for your marriage and what may work best for approaching each other sexually?
Chapter 4 of Secrets of Sex and Marriage can help you unpack the answers to these questions. (Note: there is a similar chart in that chapter with slightly different numbers. Use this one for the national distribution.)
How do you compare to the national survey?
I believe I initiate sexual activity...
I believe my spouse initiates sexual activity...
Even if I'm in the mood, I wait for my partner to initiate sexual activity.
You answered that you initiate sexual activity About right and you believe your spouse initiates sexual activity About right.
For most couples, the spouse with the higher LEVEL of desire, or the spouse with initiating desire, tends to initiate sex the bulk of the time. They also typically wish their spouse would initiate more, even though their spouse may not be as "hungry" for sex, or may be primarily receptive in their type of desire.
Yet most "receptive desire" spouses do not tend to initiate - even if they are "in the mood" for sex.
Couple Conversation
You reported that you tend to hold back and wait on your spouse to initiate even if you are "in the mood" to be sexual. Does your spouse know? We encourage you to discuss your pattern and problem-solve if there is a way to let them know you would be open to it if they initiated. Often, non-verbal cues work best here (e.g., wearing revealing clothing). As a means to facilitate your discussion, read through Chapter 8 in Secrets of Sex & Marriage together and take turns sharing your thoughts on what might work for you.
Being the primary initiating spouse in a couple tends to be a "role" one spouse takes on for a variety of reasons. Talk with each other about who generally has that role in your marriage. How is it they came to this role? Are both of you ok with who owns this role and how it is balanced? If you would like it different, what small steps could you try to help move toward a pattern both of you might prefer?
My spouse knows what arouses me.
Sexual arousal is more than just what "turns us on." In a broad sense, "sexual arousal" includes the ongoing process of building physical and emotional arousal as we engage in the sexual process. In answering the following, try to keep in mind the broader sense of sexual arousal, not just being "turned on."
I know what arouses my spouse.
I enjoy what we do to build sexual arousal.
Thinking about the time we take to build arousal (not including intercourse), I feel we spend:
I am confident my body will respond with physical arousal during our sexual play.
Overall, wives tend to be more confident in knowing what contributes to their husbands' sexual arousal than husbands are in what arouses their wives. That said, most couples are pretty confident. You report you are not confident you know how to arouse your spouse. How well did they report you do? If they report less than 4, it is worth having a conversation exploring each other's "brakes" and "accelerators" for this stage of your sexual process. The exercise listed on IntimateMarriage.org is one way to structure this conversation.
You also report that you are not especially happy with what the two of you do to enhance sexual arousal. Using the Brakes & Accelerators Exercise may be a way to help the two of you talk through what you do, and don’t, prefer with the goal of problem-solving this stage of sexual activity.
Focusing on what each of you do to enrich sexual arousal isn't the only way to enhance arousal. Another key is how long you spend just drinking in the sensations. Rich arousal takes our minds and bodies time to build. It is also during this stage we tend to build the greatest intimacy. Most individuals report they would like to spend more time in this stage of lovemaking.
Couple Conversation
You stated you are content with the amount of time the two of you to spend on enhancing arousal. Make sure to talk with your spouse to see how they answered the question. Stay curious to see if there are times either of you wish you spent more or less time focused on building arousal.
Finally, for most people, especially men, the older we get, the less reliable our body is in getting physically aroused. While that doesn't need to impede sexual play, a lack of confidence can further inhibit sexual arousal as well as desire, our ability to orgasm, and our overall sexual satisfaction.
You do not report a high level of confidence. In addition to talking with your spouse about your lack of confidence and how it affects your sexual play, we encourage you to seek help in problem-solving. We list some in the resources section of secretsofsexandmarriage.com you might use to start.
How frequently do you come to climax (orgasm) during sexual play with your spouse?
You answered that you come to climax about Occasionally (25%-50%) percent of the time. Here are the national averages, so you can see how you compare. As you will see, you are not alone.
How do you compare to the national survey?
How important is it to you that you have an orgasm during sex?
How important is it to you that your spouse has an orgasm during sex?
If you want to have an orgasm, how confident are you that you could?
You reported you were Fairly confident in your ability to have an orgasm if you wish to have one. For those who place high importance on having an orgasm (or if your orgasm is important to your spouse), a high level of confidence is helpful. Those with a low level of confidence may begin to pull back on desire and arousal if they feel pressure from within, or from their spouse.
With your level of confidence, this is likely not an issue for you, but it may be for your spouse. It is worth checking it out.
Confidence in the ability to experience an orgasm can be improved with skill building. A trained and experienced sex therapist knows how to guide people in learning these skills. See secretsofsexandmarriage.com for links to some referral resources.
Couple Conversation
In the research for Secrets of Sex and Marriage, we found it is more important for most of us that our spouse has an orgasm than that we have our own orgasm. While it is valuable that we are concerned about our spouse's pleasure, too much emphasis on our spouse having an orgasm can put undue pressure on them, which actually makes an orgasm less likely. Discuss with your spouse if they (or you) feel pressure to have an orgasm. How frequently do you (or they) feel pressure to orgasm?
How often you experience physical pain in your genitals during or right after sexual activity?
How often does genital pain interfere with your ability to experience sexual pleasure?
How do you compare to the national survey?
You reported infrequent pain during or right after sex. With infrequent pain, it may be easy to overlook it or just "play through the pain." Even though it is infrequent, we would encourage you to do some reading and research to explore possible causes and cures.
Couple Conversation
Even a low frequency can negatively impact sexual intimacy over time. There are several articles in the resources section of secretsofsexandmarriage.com to get you started. Also, be sure to talk with your spouse to see if they report any pain that may need to be addressed.
How do you feel after the climax of a sexual experience (possibly an orgasm)
It is very common to hear that the best part of sex is the cuddle time at the end. Or, we may hear the main reason to engage in sex is for the feeling of connection afterwards.
You reported you don't believe sexual encounters typically add to the level of connection you feel with your spouse. This is worth problem-solving as it will erode your sexual intimacy over time. It is important to identify what is missing, or present, that stops the connection from growing and address it. If you have tried in the past, it is likely worth trying again.
This important stage of the sexual experience is often overlooked, as couples focus on increasing skills in building arousal and orgasm. Many couples do well in taking a month to focus just on what they do together in the post-climax stage of lovemaking. Talk with each other about what you do. Our bodies are in a very different physiological state. Leaning in and continuing the connection can be very valuable.
Couple Conversation
At some other time together, talk about it: Do you wish you were touched, caressed, cuddled more during this state? Do you wish there was more or less talking during this stage? Please note that this reflection stage is not a time for critiques, but affirmations are great.
Thank you! You are almost done. Complete one more step and we will show how your answers compare to others along with some tips and couple conversation starters. These final questions will allow us to complete the assessment and understand the demographics of our respondents. All individual demographic information is collected solely for statistical purposes. Your input on questions such as month and year will be used only to calculate ages and marital length and to create a unique anonymous respondent code. All responses will be exclusively used to generate aggregated statistics for a better understanding of respondent demographics and preferences. (For example, we might say, “30% of respondents over the age of 50 reported _____”.) Your confidentiality will be protected by ensuring that data is analyzed anonymously.
NEXT STEPS
Learning what you have learned with this assessment is a great start. Here are a few crucial next steps:
- Go back through this assessment report and make a note of each of the "to-do" action items that apply to you and your spouse.
- For the next few weeks, work your way through those practical actions, including any suggested conversations. We hope these discussions will be enriching and very helpful and encouraging to both of you.
- One of the steps suggested in the above report was to read some or all of Secrets of Sex & Marriage together. Use this as a springboard to learn more about one another. If you are not ready to read it with your spouse, consider each of you reading it separately and marking up the copy ("this section really applies/doesn't apply to me" "My question here is _____") so that each of you can learn from one another in that way.
- For more resources, articles, and referral sources for specialized help, please visit secretsofsexandmarriage.com.
Thank you for investing in this important part of your marriage!